#1 Reflection: The Quran 20: 25 - 28

I specifically choose this snippet from Surah Taha as the opening to my #quranreflection series. Verse 25 until 28, is the du'a by Prophet Moses prior to his divine mission, before facing the tyrant of the century, the Firaun.

After reading the du'a above, you will find that this is just a common du'a regularly recited before class starts. I remember this du'a vividly during my school years. Back then I didn't know what it meant. We just follow what the teacher instructed us to do. We were just kids. 👼

Little did I know, this is the most significant du'a I had ever recited coming into the 'real world' when I rose to become 'an adult'. If I had known that life will be this challenging, I would have made different decisions. I would have chosen a different field, different circle of friends, different job. Unfortunately, I did and I regretted them very much. However, this is not the attitude that Allah wishes for me. It had happened, and finding myself constantly being stuck in the past really held me back.

As I'm writing this entry, I am currently in the middle of a very difficult task, which I have overestimated my capabilities - in terms of intelligence, time and effort. I procrastinated not because I was lazy, I was struggling, I was running away from the reality of facing my stupidity. The lack of knowledge/expertise in the field thereof. And so here I am, feeling doomed.

I have hurt people I love throughout the journey. I projected my frustrations onto people I love. This caused me to distant myself because I do not want to hurt them. I'd rather hurt myself.

The reason for the difficulty in completing this task I realise is due to lack of interest in the specific area. It feels 10x hard to continue. I find myself constantly taking breaks in between due to the immense stress not just from the amount of work, but the deep disinterest and disbelief of the lack of benefit of doing the task, and the thought of missing out what could be for me out there. The fear of financial stability plays a big factor too as this task is what supports me, and my lifestyle.

I have never felt so close to Allah, in these hard times.

Other times when I recite this du'a is during a difficult communication scenario. I don't have speech impediment, I write well. I just have fear of expressing my feelings, for fear of rocking the boat to other person. Even though I have no intention to do so. Even though I knew it is just a normal conversation. But the dampening anxiety, nerve-wrecking conversation, fear of being disliked, fear of being judged. It is just so difficult for me and thus I end up being very selective with whom I am opening up a communication with. I end up telling stories in my head.

So I recite this du'a. In hope to channel my worries and anxiety away. To just complete my work in the best of my capabilities. Blind to how I progress, relying on the best of my knowledge and intuition where to move next.

I pray for you, and highly recommend this du'a to you if you are in the midst of seemingly unresolved issues. Please pray for me too.

Love, M.